Ok it is both chilly and boring.

Back at uni, trying so hard to be patient. I have to wait another hour before my negs will be ready.
Not to jinx them, but I think they are looking pretty damn good. I took photos of a toy Porche for the assignment. "Playing with light" which is bogus. A real waste of time. We should be able to do anything, but heck it was fun.

I am now official sick of doing nothing.

I just joined the group "Michael Buble's vioce makes my clothes fall off". Close to it.


Good read: A fraction of a whole
Good listen: Newton Faulkner
Good watch: Top Gear
Good lounge: In bed
Good eat: Thai
Good wear: Spoylt Jeans and beanies
Good buy: Basement Books
Good time: Photography dark room
Good look: Refined 90's in 00's
Good view: Europe cities during twilight
Good location: England country
Good smell: Cookies a cooking
Good moment: Cuddling the quilt while waking up
Good feel: Terri cotton bathrobe
Good joy: Seeing a sketch take shape
Good art: Kandinsky/ Chagall/ Monet/ Ver Meer
Good scene: Rochester begs Jane to stay (06 Mini series)
Good tears: Owen and Tosh broken hearts
Good seat: Dads recliner
Good idea: Library
Good joke: "Are you my mummy?"
Good words: "In the back of the neck!"
Good poet: Frost
Good Classic: Austen
Good philosophy: Nietzsche
Good sign: "No smoking! Air intake are."
Good rhythm: Dr Seuss
Good thought: Cheer the fuck up
Good climate: Springs sun
Good drive: To Windsor
Good dream: Success

I shall go and check on my prints now and blow my nose.

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=28234022&albumId=526367

I miss drawing. I was good. Yes, I know I am so humble!

Why can't I just draw and read all day/everyday?

I really need to do my assignment! How the hell do I write an essay?
I have spent almost all week at home and accomplished next to nothing, so I need to start but can't bring myself to do it. Why can't words for an essay on uniforms, come out as easily as the way I type now?

OK you know what, as soon as I finish the essay (and synopsis) I can draw some things. I hope I don't lose the feeling though, like usual.

That "story" I wrote by the way, that was more like a diary. A personal entry.
Don't question it, because I already am.

Ok at Uni waisting time before class.
Have to go draw in a highly air conditoned studio.

I think I am ill. Or getting to that stage. I ache all over and am chilled to the core. Did I mention the feeling of absolute disgust that swells in my stomach?

Haven't posted in a while...who cares?
Got back from Queensland yesterday and have resumed status of misery because of this blasted illness... supposedly not contracted from the lovely David.
Also got a needle yesterday. Ouch! I wanted to cry. I'm still a child.

Off now, class in 20 and toilet break pending.

People are such idiots. I? Yes, perhaps I am one such idiot.

-Bird shit on leg of pants...
-Life drawing canceled (lug A2 size art bag around the city)
-Came to realisation that I hate living like this
-Bad day for overall look

Good luck that came from this day and the shit on the leg?
-Had a lot of hours to kill before I was expected home, so I killed them
-Sydney Quad got to me, got to me good.

You absolute idiots!
I find solace in Comfort.

I flip close the last page and take a long breathe. The tears that past still burn my eyes.

It is over and I know it. There is no way of continuing on. I put the book aside and turn out the light, allowing myself to sink into my comfort. Closing my eyes I recite poetry that has no author, poetry that only has meaning in the world of Henry, that will slowly put me to sleep.

I stir through the hot night, struggling to breathe and realising it is a hopeless battle between me and my subconscious. I dream of Henry fucking Claire and Claire with out Henry. I am each, but I am watching on. I dream of everything and nothing. It is hopeless. Finally I rise and retreat into the bathroom at 4 in the morning, silently trying to wear myself out.

I sit up, again in my bed. Still at 4 I long for the story to continue and so my hopes with it. I long for the touch of such a love that can only be compared to that of sacrifice and lust. I know it is all a fantasy, not even Henry and Claire are a reality, but it is too late, I have been transported into this dream of such pure romance. Finally an hour later I find solitude in my dreams once again.

I awake in five hours with dread as I recall what I so feverishly dreamt about. I blush at the thought of sadness at the departure of Alan, who I haven't spoken to in years. I have spent another night in the company of Rita and Jessy and wondered why in the morning, knowing they've had no place in my day, no thought has been spared upon them.

I soon find myself staring blankly at the book on my dresser, ignoring the nights mind. I rim its edges with my index finger and slowly rehash the story in its full splendour and yet again I am longing to be with in it, I am longing for...for something I do not even know. I congratulate the author silently for her ability to make me fall in love with the lead who is both a sociopath and lover. I congratulate her for making me feel as helpless as he does and for making me read on.

Returning the book to its station beside me, I look up at the blank white wall, which has help me for years. I follow the patterns left under the paint and I return to my own dreams of life. I snap back to reality with the sound of the buzzer. As brief as they are I am satisfied with knowing that they are untouchable and that they are mine.

I rise and follow my routine of waking, going from room to room and doing myself up. Only managing to look reasonably sensible as my cold takes its toll.

Once in a while I will find myself completely seduced by a good novel. I will think and breathe the story and want so much to be apart of its world. This is my curse; longing.

Who's going on a vacation? Who?

That's right. ME!

I figured it would be a good idea to blog about something good, you know to turn this around.

I am very excited. Just beach, pools, food and room service! Never had that before...I wonder what it's like. HAHAHA

It is just going to be me and my brother and my sister and that is all! No parents...nothing. I have to go soon though, I leave today and come back Sunday.

How good is this. We are probably going to do nothing, which is ok. We can watch dvds if we want. The point is we don't need to worry about school, laundry or cleaning, or guests. It is just us lounging for 3 nights and 4 says. Ok I'm going now. Shop then leave. What a day. Vic was so excited he was up like at 7 or something. Woke me up though...he'll get his come tomorrow.

Enjoy the weekend.

Oh and on a serious note. Thankyou Sarz for your comment. I appreciate it a lot. It helps in it's own right, but I think now I share your view. What happens, happens. It helps if you sleep it off and pretend it is all alright. Well thankyou Sarz, you really are a great person.

See you guys on Sunday.

I think it's time to leave...

Um ok where do I start, I just wrote it out, went to post and it erased it all. So now I don't think I can go through it all. It was heavy. It was really heavy stuff. I mean I finally confessed my guilt for my very active yet subconscious role in destroying my friendship with Claudia and mainly my inability to care which people didn't understand because I was closer with Rita and so something like this doesn't matter and now it makes no sense and now argh! Now I am so frustrated.

I don't know where to start again. There is no beginning.

I want to move, I think I am ready now. I have finally resigned myself to this concept. I just want to leave it all behind. I am not being melodramatic either, no one can say though because no one knows everything.

I can't believe I lost it all. I came to terms with things as I typed. It took allmost an hour. Ok I know I spoke about my friends. Yes, that is right, all those friends I lost and didn't expect to lose and why it is easy for me to want to leave now. I don't even see the Sylvia and Vanessa anymore. I see Rebecca a bit now. We have given each other space though. I have my cousins to entertain while on holiday and she needs time with her boyfriend. I understand this and I hope she does too.

But Sylvia and Vanessa. How easy is it to get busy? We haven't been able to find the same page eversince Vanessa's birthday. We can't even run into eachother. I do hope we figure it out. I hope it becomes easier. See I hate that we have to make plans, there is no chance of really hanging out. I mean I have to get the car first and hopefully not get doged.

Danielle and Debbie I don't blame for losing touch. I mean I suspect Danielle never really liked me, so I understand, but I blame myself for Debbie. She called when I wasn't home and she tried, but I never could get back to her. I let it go though. I know she has friends and a life I can't dream of. She can go out to places I can't and that is what she wants. It is fine and so I don't worry too much about that.

Ok no it's too hard to keep going. I just went on about Kim and Emily and how losing them was the hardest or had the most effect, maybe because I feel used but I think mainly because they were a connection to the life I once had. They know the people that I once did. Anyway I also discussed how I still wanted that life and that as much as I tried to forget about it I can't. Especially becuase it is right outside my window. Quite literally. It is like being raised by dancers and before you could coompletely grow up, you get taken and placed with academics. A life you can't, or don't want to assimilate to. You never forget the one you once had, especially when you miss it and want it a little. It isn't just the lifestyle...it's the people.

Anyway, so now I know I never got close to anyone like I once did, so it is easy for me to want to move. It was a deliberate act, there is no point to closer relationships...well that's what I thought.

Anyway, so I also said stuff about these little habits I have, like stating that "mum went to that school" everytime we drive past. I know that there is this thing that is going to happen...soon. It is a big thing and I know that when it does, I am most likely going to develop a little habit, also known as another thing to lead me to OCD. I don't want to be here for it. It is done out of sentiment and eventually I will snap. Ok I know this doesn't make sense, but the thing that is going to happen is big and a reality and I just can't state it. I still can't say what it is. I'm not ready to say it alloud.

I can't belive I lost everything I typed. It was so important. I need to be able to write it, release and let go. I can't now. It is too much and now that I have to go through it again, it hurts even more. I had my mood at indescribable, but now I know I am depressed which isn't the right word.

So anyway I'll leave it there and try to not water or anything, because hey I'm cold remember. I want to be anyway.

The point is I want to move and I'm ready now.

I have no strings, no attachments...

To whom it may concern,

It is felt that an official statement is in order at this stage in time. The urgency of the matter has forced a rebuttal and I can no longer remain suppressed. Deliberate attacks have been made. There is no cause for alarm, however, all should be careful to sift through the blatant lies and be aware of the truth.

I stand on the record to testify in complete honesty and accuracy that the said indiscretion and offence is indeed misleading.

The truth, therefore, remains to be told.



SUPERMAN DOES NOT SUCK!



I vote that more of Superman should be seen and all those who oppose this industry, this embodiment of hope, should be struck down!

I type this with the realisation that vengeance has prompted any such remarks hereby declaring that "Superman sucks...". It is just not accurate and personal attacks should remain personalised, if not pacified.

(You suck!

Ok no you don't.

Well maybe you do? I don't know. What are you into?)

In conclusion, you shall find that the matter is of a high importance and has been dealt with in the most imperative manner and no further alarm should arise from the alleged claims made by the aggressors. If the issue should be further pressed, I shall be forced to draw my hand. An attack which will be of great consequence.

I regret having been witness to such claims and malicious attacks. Furthermore I apologise for the inconvenience and hope to have settled the situation.

Yours truely,

Bernadette

I wanted to take this time to talk about Johnny Black and finally tiding my room. Also here is some raps to Il Posto, great place. Literally the place to be.

So Johnny Black put me to sleep and boy did I sleep. After several nights of terrible patterns, dreams and all sorts of things, I finally slept sweet. It was good. Only problem was waking early anyway.

Besides the point, it really is nice. Plus I found out what kind of drunk I would be. I'm not an angry drunk! If I were to get wasted I would be happy, talkative and relaxed. Nice! So I should just drink a bit before going to any place of significance. I just hope I don't ever mouth off or talk a bit too openly.

The food was good too. As was the service. Tony is lovely, she knows who she is. Delivery boy watching Smallville on a giant projector was also lovely, just in a different manner. I had the gnocci and bruschetta. I'm about to stop eating.

Today I tidied up my room too. Not vacumed though. I'll do that tomorrow, when I have more time, but I want to dust thoroughly first. I have to keep all my school stuff for reasons unknown to myself. I'll box them and pass them on to the folks.

It is sooooo so liberating to finally clean after the HSC mess and get rid of all the things that got you down. Well me down. Really the pile of fabric, pencils, pantones, paper (3kinds), magazines and textbooks was eating at me. Surrounded by a growing layer of despair as I tried daily to creep past it all and into study mode. Sucks for all of it now, on account to it being trashed, boxed or put in it's rightfull place. So now I can walk freely in what little room I have. However me easle creates some what of an obstacle, as I stretch to take notes on the glazed board, or try and make my way to the cupboard. On the otherhand the new shelves I got today may make for a new comfort in my "sanctuary". The hope of lining it with books and packing it with pictures is kind of thrilling...or really just time consuming.

Oh and I also get back by Textiles major! This week. My costume comes back. For pictures of it, check out my pictures. Can't wait. So nervous.

Vic is a legend. He is doing really well in school, I mean helping out and doing work for others. At first it was so he could be a prefect, but that didn't work and now he has continued to be impressive. My brother rocks. Plus he isn't like those other guys who are so direspectful and rude. He is pretty good actually. I think he is actually decent, but maybe that is a front becuase the bitch...well never mind that. He is the best and I am very proud and clearly bored.

I don't want to study. Late exams give you that time so who cares now right?

I'll regret this won't I?

I might watch a movie tonight? Maybe Bam is on though? What should I watch?

Oh yes I might as well discuss my excitement over finishing this week. I plan on celebrating Thursday night. I might go to dinner and have a little sip sip. I'm going out with a friend and her cousin who I have never met. She thinks she is setting me up, pft, which means I have to look good, even if I don't care because she told him I was hot. Damn that to hell! And then Friday Im heading out with her again, with her mother, to get her formal clothes. The following day is shopping with my mother, then come that week it is the beach for me! WHO CAN WAIT!

The excitement eats at me. Anyone want to do something tell me now? Tell me here or tell me commenting there. Brilliant. Give me a buz and it shall happen.

Joy! I am getting ahead of myself...I still have religion and textiles tomorrow.

Why am I always to blame. I am the one who hates conflict remember. No wait a minute, it must be because I'm the honest one. Well then, have you ever thought of asking the others what they know, how they feel and what they've done? No? I thought as much.

I am guilty though. Usually am.

Anyway on the brighter side. I am sitting her thinking of economic, social and political unrest in the Wiemar Republic during the good and bad years. I am also thinking of Superman's body. Yes that is a sweet sheet. You know in one scene he has the biggest- don't worry.

Go history, if only Superman could have saved Germany from the fatal mistake of increasing nationalism prior WWI, then perhaps they would have became a republic later and not suffered with the financial burdens they had to endure due to Clause 231 of the Treaty of Versailles. Perhaps. Any who, their fault is all I'm saying. Although has anyone noticed how cute some German's are today? Speer wasn't a bad site either back then.

You know I need to hurry up and complete all my exams, so I can stop thinking like this and get out more. Pft Speer attractive....So was Frank Sinatra, no really he was. I like this other actor too, I just don't know his name, he played along side June Allyson in Little Women. Good film, great actress and who cares right?

OK back to work! I must, no, I must go to the bathroom and bathe. Excuse me.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It is on! I need to come up with fabric swatches and designs and collages and what ever else. It is on. No word of a lie. Tomorrow, by 5pm I will have handed in work which will take me a full day to do. I need to and I will.

It's on.
Someone inspire please? I'll be here for a while otherwise.

Ah the pressure, I love it.

I'm not fine. I am so not fine. Every time I repeat that I get even worse, except I know that I'm not, therefor that whole positive thoughts thing is not going to work. I'm not fine. I'm not worried about tomorrow, yes I am. I'm petrified, but not because I might fail. It is just common law to be scared. Oh God I'm so scared I'm going to fail on Monday. It kills me. I can't do this. Even studying has become impossible.
There is so much going on. I know I could have gotten a better mark, but it's too late now, far too late. I should have spoken up. DAMN dignity! There is no point if you will fail in the end. I could have done so well. I am a perfect candidate for a mis-form. I have ruined everything by thinking it was all nothing. I need someone or something. I just need help. I can't get any though. I don't want to 'cry' in front of anyone.
I am so screwed. I just want to stick with family tradition and walk away or concede defeat and fail.

I'm currently sick at home, with nothing to do. However, I'm craving pizza (gourmet) and want to watch John Wayne films and Friends.
What an eventful weekend. Friday I went to the dance where I didn't stop dancing. Very entertaining and fun. I really went to keep an eye on my brother, in case he was bored, lonely or lost. I suppose we both had a good time in the end. We got home late, but not too late.
Which leads to Saturday. I get up and first thing I do is work on my Aunty's costume. From 9am to 2pm, I worked. I myself had a party to go to at 3pm. So hello! Where was she to help!? I find out the next day that she didn't go to the party. I haven't seen her yet.
Anyway so Saturday night at the party, we leave early...with ample time to get home by 11pm, or else I would get into heaps of shit. One problem...car trouble. The demister in the car was broken so we almost had an accident. Every stop we wiped down the window. Plus we had our windows all the way down. So no wonder I'm sick now. I didn't tell my parents about the accident part...it was close but no need for alarm. So we went to my friends place as it was safer that way and I didn't want her driving home on her own. I rang home at 11pm, telling them what happened. Dad is sent to pick me up. It takes 10 mins and he gets there at 11:41 exactly. He even woke Nonna on the way. He got lost and therefore had the extreme shits with me. Ma' says he has never been more pissed, only with her. So "no more parties". Kim's is next week.
Sunday was footy with dad. Mum really wanted me to go so we good be "friends" again.

I was just invited to Luna Park, well it is actually in 3-4 weeks time and mum is already spewing...its family!
Sheesh.
Ive also been commisioned, without pay, to create a painting for the same people, I also have to fix a friends dress, my aunties and my other one wants me to make her formal dress. The experience is good, but then I might become a teacher.
Oh the joys of being so lost and so young.

Right. So shit hit the fan and my feet kill. My shoes are too big. I don't want to have to give them away either. Nag it.
Right so they know now, and I feel like shit still. All because I heard them say. They should be feeling like shit but there is too many of them so they make each other feel better. I have good friends, but I was the one who ruined it all. Although several agree that they are idiots. What does it matter, I graduate soon.



Not soon enough.

It's scary as hell. I don't think I should be allowed to age. When I think about it I realise I'm too young to become an adult. I do stupid things still and the responsibility should not be given to me. Although I do look forward to a little bit of alcohol consumption. Just a little.
I am certainly still childish and seem to make social situations worse at all costs. Like "canceling" a party and then reinstating it...who does that! Not a question as such.
I think you should be made to graduate a social morality and behaviour class before you can age, or be placed in society. It is so idiotic, I am so idiotic. I embarrass myself constantly. I am a social retard. A very scared one.
Why can't I just remain 17 or de-age. You know. Maybe keep all my memories and knowledge so I can be a very successful two year old. I like that idea.
Oh what a fudged up day.